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Hour by Hour

1/8/2016

One morning I woke up and was just so done with being a sweet, loving mother. I woke up and announced to God, "I cannot do this any more. I can't do it today. I'm finished." I had reached my Mommy limit with the children's problems and sin natures and I was done.
I knew that little people were going to be waking up and coming into my bedroom any minute now. I was thinking: it's about to get Jerry Springer around here.
So I had a little conversation with God and it went something like this. I told Him that if He would help me, I would agree to smile at the children and be nice to them, only from 7:00 a.m. to 8:00 a.m., and then the rest of the day I would let the grumpiness fly.
When my toddlers woke up and came into my bedroom a little after 7:00 a.m., sure enough I held my arms out to them and hugged them, smiled at them and loved on them. I knew I could be mean at 8:00 so I did fine. Then at 8:00 a.m., I talked to the Lord and said okay God please help me be a sweet, loving mother only from 8:00 a.m. until 9:00 a.m. today. After that I can act the way I really feel. So I did that hour. At 9:00 a.m. I said, okay God from now until 10:00 a.m. help me not express how angry, fed up and done I am. Just for that hour. I asked God to give me strength and grace for that hour.
On the day went. I did this, every hour, in God's strength, until I put the children to bed that night. I was loving and kind all day.

Mothers are a Different Breed

6/6/2015

Normally I enjoy The Wall Street Journal. But today they lost me with their wine pet peeves story titled “The Seven Habits of Highly Annoying Wine People.” The writer said, “I hate a glass that’s filled to the top.”

How does she get on?

One evening I was making dinner, and my household was in full throttle chaos mode. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed something flickering. My oven was on fire. I actually said out loud, “Don’t nobody got time for this,” and I threw a little glass full of water inside the oven real quick and went back to chopping veggies and refereeing children's conflicts. Stuck the pizzas in the oven where they belonged. Figured the fire was probably almost out and would add some depth to the flavor. Hoped five sevenths of my family would be pleased. I think that might have been the same day broken glass flew everywhere just as we were trying to leave the house.

The Wall Street Journal writer said, “I want to set my own pace: I don’t like to be rushed along by the staff, and I especially dislike it when a waiter takes hold of my bottle and dumps the contents into my glass without asking.”

Girlfriend I’m just happy if there’s a staff.

My husband and I ate at a restaurant in Atlanta recently, just the two of us, on a rare big people night. The waiter’s helper, a young newbie, accidentally slung my salad down all over the table in front of me and all over my lap, most of it hitting the napkin waiting there obediently. The poor fellow was mortified and the main waiter said quietly, partly joking, “You could get him fired, you know.” My husband and I laughed. It was funny. And I was sincerely grateful that I didn’t have to clean it up. We told them both several times please don’t worry. We left a nice tip. After all, they had just done the one thing that could make us feel the most at home.

I begin to feel sorry for The Wall Street Journal writer, who told how she had gotten out-snobbed at a party by another picky red wine drinker who snickered at her for putting ice cubes in her glass and then kept his distance from her the rest of the evening. She got the last word writing about him in the newspaper.

Is this seriously how some people are spending their free time?

This is not my own story on pet peeves. I do not write in order to criticize anyone else's pettiness. No, I write about this for one reason only: to applaud hard working mothers. I applaud mothers because we are walking around the same restaurants, the same parks, the same shopping centers, the same movie theaters as everyone else. But when something insignificant goes wrong, we are comparatively in a beautiful state of humility and gratitude. We are content and joyful. We are genuinely thankful just to get to eat.

Why Ask Why?

4/24/2015

Every mother’s brain hurts sometimes from toddler “why” questions. Why did the dish run away with the spoon? Why is hair darker when it's wet? Why is the sun yellow?

Tiresome as they are, these “why” questions are actually very sweet and valid. The child is genuinely seeking information or even wisdom at this age. But as children get older and more capable of verbal combat, a “why” question is almost never a kind-hearted way to start a conversation, especially with a sibling.

One sister to another: “Why are you wearing that outfit?” Ouch. Or, "Why did you put that comb on the bathroom counter when I am trying to brush my teeth?"

You see my point. Those questions were a big ol’ dagger to the heart dressed up in disguise as an innocent pondering. The sister responds to the question as a hostile witness and then an argument has broken out. Children, please. I have announced to my people that I want them to be aware of letting out the flood gates that lead to an argument by rarely starting a sentence with the word "why."

The Bible says to “let your speech always be gracious.” I’m not asking my children to be perfect. I’m not asking them to adore every decision, opinion, or annoying habit from their siblings. I am asking them to “take captive every thought to the obedience of Christ.” I have told my children to make an effort to:

1. Notice when they start to feel aggravated at a sibling.
2. Try not to start a sentence with “why” right then.
3. Wait until they are no longer annoyed and then say, with kindness, and possibly a hug and a smile: "I would really appreciate it if you would--." Fill in the blank.

Jesus asked a lot of questions. He wasn't seeking information. He in His perfection was rightfully challenging people on their sin and asking them to reflect on the condition of their hearts. "Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?" He said in Matthew 8:26. Eventually, children will mature into being able to ask important "why" questions that are thought-provoking and necessary to our times, such as, "Why has America sent American military personnel to another continent to expose them to the Ebola virus?" or "Why is our president cozy with Iran?" Those are good questions.

Until then, not dishing out criticism disguised as asking “why” questions is important in personal relationships because it honors God. Having lots of practice in controlling themselves in this way with siblings matters because someday, hey. It’s going to be their husband putting that hairbrush in the wrong spot on the bathroom counter.

Discipline: Teenagers

10/23/2014

Having a teenager, for the mother, is like pulling a soccer player out of the game and telling her, "Go be a competitive swimmer today." Just when I thought I was going to drown, God -- as always -- told me some stuff.

In the area of discipline I got very disoriented for a while there, when I first had teenagers. I noticed I was shouting. This was weird. I had a conversation with myself about a week after this began and said, "Jen, why are you shouting?" And I asked the Lord for wisdom. It was the same reason I have occasionally made the mistake of shouting at our young children. It's because of some sin on their part that I have not corrected properly.

When your toddler does something wacky like refuses to eat his food in a very complainy way, if this goes on long enough I would correct that child in a way that brought pain to him. In our house that's gonna be a spanking; not angry hitting but loving correction, see last blog. Then I could remain happy and calm. No big deal, I'm not the one pitching a fit about my dinner, why should I suffer? So when it came to my teenagers, they would get out of line in some small way such as speaking to me disrespectfully or arguing and suddenly I didn't know what to do. So God told me to do the exact same thing that I've always done: Bring about some pain to that child and go about your business happily as you were before.

Ladies, we go for the jugular. This new pain comes in the form of losing their electronics. Or whatever is dear to them.

We take the thing away. All I have to do is hold out my hand and ask for the gadget thingie. I put my hand on my teenager's shoulder and say, "You can't talk to your parents that way. You can have your phone back tomorrow."

You just -- boom -- hand him a speeding ticket and go about your day. A teenager's sin nature needs to be addressed the same way as a toddler's, but differently. The same because of the need for a swift, serious consequence that actually hurts (no phone hurts). Different because the child's behavior is on a whole different scale and the nature of the pain is no longer toddler-y.

If my teenager does actually need a phone, then for a couple of days he gets my ancient Nokia, pictured above in all its indestructible glory. When my son whips that clunker out, his friends are like, "That's vintage, dude." I will outstubborn a child who needs to get right with God, all day long.

If our 14 year old daughter gives us an attitude then her electronics go, and what helps both of them the most is to be reminded to go spend some time reading their Bibles. My husband had our daughter write a list of what we expect from her, and stick a post-it note on her bathroom mirror as a reminder every morning. My friend once took her teenage daughter's make-up away. She had to go to school like that. Yes ma'am, this is war.

My sources tell me that my son was driving the car a little Nascar-esque-ly the other day. So, the "spanking" for that was, his mommy drove him to his job today. I'll go pick him up later. He can drive again tomorrow like a big boy. I told my husband I might put on my bathrobe and some curlers when I go pick him up at work, just to make my point.

My husband and I do allow some fun banter with our teenagers, we joke around a lot and tease, but there is a big difference between banter and disrespect. The last spanking our son ever got was from his Dad who did not appreciate that this child called his mother "dog." As in, "nah, dawg." Somehow that sort of address does not convey an attitude of respect. And I had already asked him several times to stop calling me dog. But it's fun to be the mother because I get to call my son "brah." As in, "Close the back door, brah. You're letting in flies."

I want to encourage you to lay down the law with your teenage son or daughter. Be strong. Open rebellion is so important that I will change my entire day or week to deal with that when it arises in one of our children. We're not going to play, when it comes to rebellion. It's not for you, it's for your child. And ultimately it's to honor God.

Prayerfully decide with your husband what your limits are and enforce those limits unapologetically. Always present a unified force in your marriage in front of your children. If your husband contradicts you in front of the children, back down respectfully, and graciously bow out of that battle. What you have just done is won the war by displaying a humble submission to authority. Any punishing or preaching can not speak as loudly as that. Do not go against your husband regarding the children. Trust your husband's judgment, and God will honor you for that. You can talk about it later with your husband if he's open to more discussion, but not right there in the heat of battle.

Unity in marriage has always been important, but it is life or death with teenagers because they are extremely perceptive and will detect any hypocrisy or weakness of your own.

Also, are you spending time with your teenagers, or just policing them? I am consistently blown away by the deep and mature thoughts that my teenagers have. Talk to them and listen to them. It's so important to maintain a tight relationship with them. So you have to forgive them over and over for all that trouble they keep causing you. Be real with them. If you mess up (and you will), they are amazingly gracious if you will just fess up and call out your own mistake. I think when we admit our mistakes, teenagers actually respect us more.

Whatever the limits you and your husband agree on, until your child is a man or woman living on his or her own, you can take away the car, the phone, the friends, the money, the activities, whatever it takes until he or she shapes up. Or hey, there is no age limit on spanking. Discipline needs not to be a big emotional thing, where you holler and cry and make a big ninny out of yourself. It's just a speeding ticket. Then forgive your teenagers, whether or not they ask forgiveness, and go hang out together. Then do it all over again next time.

Speeding ticket. Forgive. Hang out. Repeat.

Discipline: Young Children

10/21/2014

If every time we put our hand on a hot stove, it burns, then we learn not to do it. Diligent mothers are making sure that something happens every time a child disobeys or treats his authority with disrespect. My husband and I decided that in our family, the “something happening” would be a spanking. (For older children, the "spanking" becomes taking away their cell phone. Get 'em where it hurts girls.)

I grew up hearing unfortunate tales of people in times past using Scripture as an excuse to be abusive. “Spare the rod and spoil the child,” was the Biblical justification for wild temper tantrums by adults. I decided to stop taking their word for it and find out for myself. I once read the Bible cover to cover in seeking truth on this one issue of corrective discipline.

Here is what I found. That statement, "spare the rod and spoil the child," is not in the Bible. The passage we can find says this: “He who spares the rod hates his son.” Proverbs 13:24. Not quite the same thing as spoiling them. I’ve thought a lot about that passage and I would like to think that God is giving us two if/then statements within it to help us.

1. If someone does not take the time and effort to discipline, then she will eventually end up hating that child.
2. If someone already hates her child, then she demonstrates this by not taking the time and effort to discipline him.

I really hoped “rod” could be interpreted to mean a gentle cane. A nicey-nice staff perhaps, guiding a child like a shepherd, but no such luck. I found many references of “rod” all throughout the Bible referring to a spanking stick.

I concluded that God would have me spank our children with a rod. It’s what my husband wanted all along, so that's the reason I really sought God on the thing in the first place. I was wrong in resisting my husband’s leadership on this issue at first. I resisted him on it for three reasons. One, I was haunted by the horror stories I'd heard from times past. Two, I was paralyzed by modern societal gasps and frowns at corporal punishment because the world confuses discipline with cruelty (question for society: how’s that working for ya?). Three, I was tenderhearted.

But you know what? It’s really not tenderhearted to withhold corrective discipline from a child because guess what happens when you do this. You “hate your child.” Well what do you know, the Bible is right. I was far more frazzled and unkind before I spanked my children. I was exhausted and, to be honest, I strongly resented my children when I went to bed every night. Being a mother was not much of a joy. That wasn't their fault.

I always disciplined them before I began doing it the spanking way. But I was completely worn out from the methods I was using that were not a simple, swift swat. I was being punished as much as the child was. I had to keep up with which child was getting dessert that night or not. Then I had to punish the whining fits regarding the upcoming dessert punishment. I had to mediate smug 'tudes and competition among siblings regarding who was getting dessert. The whole day was ruined, dreading who was not getting dessert.

Or what about, "If you don't share the sand toys then we will have to leave the park and go home." Wow, that gives the child a lot of power. Everyone is punished. How are his siblings (or Dad) going to feel about this? Collectively punishing everyone and changing the family's plans creates resentment and tension among family members who weren't causing any trouble at all.

I did diligently discipline my children for years without spanking, for their good and to honor the Lord, but it was pretty rough for me. It was damaging my relationship with my children, because I was really having to pray for more love each new day for them, after the intense battles of the day before. I rather disliked being a mother in those days.

I was praying for wisdom over this whole spanking thing years ago, asking other moms about it, and reading lots of books about it. I was at a park one day. The sweetest lady was there with six or seven children. She adored these children. They were all so happy. They loved her so much, were incredibly respectful, polite and obedient, and all ran back and forth hugging her and telling her their thoughts. Very much under her authority and control. Just the total picture of sweet, affectionate mothering right there. The very thing I was wishing for in my family. I couldn’t help but sit down on the park bench beside her and ask, “What are you doing with these children? They are so happy and obedient.” This is what she said to me:

“I got a little switch.”

That’s all she said. Then she really wasn’t interested in talking to me, too delighted with them, and so she looked back at them and smiled and cheered them on as they looked at her for encouragement and approval as they went down the slide. When it was time to leave they ran to the car cheerfully, right when she said to. No arguing, no whining.

This 20 minutes changed my life. This woman demonstrated to me that a spanking chick can also be loving. I didn’t know the two attributes could exist happily. I thought spanking meant harshness, and harshness is unBiblical and futile, or even damaging. I believe God sent this woman to me that day at the park to show me what I could become.

The Bible passage that best articulates to me the problem with harshness is this one, “The rod of his fury will fail.” Proverbs 22:8. There’s my spanking bumper sticker right there. The point of corrective discipline is to drive out folly from a child’s heart. If a mother is furious with her child then the spanking is about her. The spanking is about her frustration, her need to wail on something to make herself feel better, and it will fail. It won’t drive out folly from a child’s heart, it will only create pain in that child’s heart and strain his relationship with his mother as he gets older. If the spanking is about the mother throwing a fit, we are scared.

If, on the other hand, the mother is not angry, harsh, shouting or fierce, then the spanking is about the child and his need. If she takes her child somewhere private and calmly gives that little pip squeak a couple of well deserved whacks on the upper thigh region and then hugs him on her lap and prays with him afterward, it will not fail. If the spanking is about the mother saving her child from his own destruction, then yay. This is some pretty kickin’ mothering which is explained in the following passage:

“If you beat him with the rod, he will not die. If you beat him with the rod, you will save his soul from hell.” Proverbs 23:14.

So, all those years ago, convicted by the Lord, I went to Hobby Lobby, walked down the aisle that has very long, thin wooden dowels. And I got me a little switch.

I got quite a few switches actually and planted them all over the house. I was too scared to use a switch for a few days. I would just walk around the house carrying it. I was terrified of being abusive to my poor little darlings. That makes me laugh now but I was pretty freaked out about spanking back then. But as the Bible says, it’s going to be okay, your child “will not die” if you do this. No one's going to die, just do the thing. Gradually I got the courage to use those switches confidently and I’ve been using them ever since.

I hardly ever get upset with my children now. There’s nothing to get upset about. I'm not the one hollering at my authority, throwing food, or drawing on the walls. Sure, my heart grows weary and exasperated sometimes from the effort it takes, but I'm not out-of-control upset on a tirade just because the children might be.

When my children defy my authority, shout, argue with me, refuse to obey or blatantly break a rule, I stop what I’m doing. If it is disobedience then I give the child one warning -- not by threatening, pleading, begging, shouting, belittling, negotiating or talking about how I feeeeeel but by saying one word. I quietly say, "Obey." That's their one merciful chance. It usually snaps them into realizing what's going on. If they obey, I cheer and clap for a tiny toddler and tell them God is very pleased and so is Mommy. Or I speak sincere "awesome job" high five language to older children.

If they don't obey, I get up and lovingly and calmly take that child to a private-ish place and use the switch. If a switch isn't available then I have to use my hand.

I'm not skipping along happily; this is a somber thing, I'm grieved and serious. But pretty much I'm just dealing with the situation. There's no anger, no harshness. A spanking is the choice the child has made, not me. I'm always hoping in my heart that they won't choose a spanking. I rather dislike administering them. But I give a few quick flicks of my wrist to their upper thigh area with the switch. It hurts like the dickens because I’ve tried it on myself to see what we’re inflicting here. I think the upper leg is better than the tushy because it has so much cushy. The spanking takes no physical strength or force at all on my part, no effort really at all. I’m just flicking my wrist a little bit, but it gives a serious sting, the child does cry and it’s over.

It’s no biggee.

So, schwack, schwack, get yourself together child. We hug and pray afterward. I hold my arms out and put that child on my lap, and talk kindly for a few minutes about what he needs to do differently next time. We talk about what needs to change in his heart. "You cannot shout at your mother," something like that. "You cannot push a kitchen chair over and climb up on the counter to get into the marshmallows." I'm not naming any names. Then it's over, and I go back to what I was doing. If they have a sour-poo reaction or diva look on their face that indicates pure rebellion then we might not be done, and certainly if they lash out at me in a violent way, we're fixing to have another round of spanking.

My hands are not swatting around at people or grabbing them. My hands touch them lovingly: the switch does the correction. I’m not being mean to my children. I don’t yell at them, I don’t jerk them around or hit them, it’s not like that. I don’t have to resort to that sort of undignified insanity. I’m pretty doggone sweet to them if I do say so myself. And they throw a lot my way, many times while their daddy is traveling for days or months at a time. So I am quietly keeping them under control and disciplined much of the time on my own, without a father to back me up or do it for me.

Disciplining children, in whatever way the Lord might show someone He wants them to do it -- and it won't include harsh emotion or endless talking to be effective in my opinion -- is a lot more merciful than teaching children to walk all over their authority. It’s a lot more loving than producing a world full of out of control, self indulgent, rebellious people that we all kind of dislike.

Your Baby? Different Ideology

8/31/2014

Chelsea Clinton has recently announced that, because of her pregnancy, she is stepping down from her part-time news correspondent position.

Ms. Clinton is catching a lot of flack from the public because NBC News paid her up to $600,000 a year for doing nobody knows exactly what. Ms. Clinton does have a couple of college degrees, but so do the rest of us who started out receiving exactly $0 at unpaid internships.

A wife I know frowned grumpily when, newly married, she discovered that her Air Force pilot husband was earning more money than she was as a local TV news anchor.

So, yes, people are understandably focusing on the injustice of the Clinton family’s having been funneled an exorbitant amount of money by NBC, when other journalists are barely scraping by and/or being held captive in places like Syria right now. Ms. Clinton’s announcement, from a hard working American’s point of view, hardly seems like a great sacrifice worthy of national news.

Here is what I’m not hearing anyone say.

You can be a self-proclaimed feminist, and Chelsea Clinton is exactly that, having said, “Everyone I know is a feminist.” Your family can speak out against the perceived injustice that women are not being given equal opportunities for earning money. Hillary Clinton recently said this on women earning less per dollar than men: “We’ve got work to do.”

You can say things like this all day long. You can believe it, you can even lobby for it at the highest levels of government, as long as you are applying it to other people and other families. But when that sweet little bundle of yumminess is your own baby? All of that ideology flies right out the window.

What we have here, in the case of Chelsea Clinton and her husband, is simply this. A man and his wife are deciding that they want the mommy to work less so that she can be home with their baby. That is lovely. It is very traditional, which is to say, normal.

No one cares? Maybe. But the following observation is deserving of our nation’s attention because it demonstrates the disturbing truth that policy does not always correlate to reality: Whether or not Chelsea Clinton will ever recognize it, God has placed within her a powerfully deep maternal longing that is stronger than $600,000 and is something that she cannot ever feminist away.

Keep on Keepin' On

8/2/2014

Some seriously grumpy bickering was going on at my house recently. I had been under the misguided impression that if I, the fabulous role model, slash dignified queen of my household, slash gracious humble speaker person never fought or bickered with my husband, then the cheerful little ducklings would all fall in line behind me. Boom, we're a Norman Rockwell painting.

Feeling more like a kindergartner's finger paint in black and blue, I asked God for wisdom. I sat on my front porch and read my Bible for a few hours one evening after my younger children were in bed. I listened for God's wisdom. I happened to be in Ecclesiastes that day. Yawn, right? Actually no, the passages rocked. When we are in a state of brokenness, even the genealogies of the Old Testament can get us fired up and starry eyed.

Here's what Ecclesiastes 2:15 had to say to me about the awful fighting among my children. "Then said I in my heart, As it happeneth to the fool, so it happeneth even to me: and why was I then more wise?" So basically I took from this the following message: Soooooo, Little Miss Wisdom? Little Miss Read Her Bible Every Minute of Every Day? Turns out your problems are just the same as any fool's.

Ouch?

God never leaves us high and dry though, after He flatlines us like that and cuts us down to proper size. The author of Ecclesiastes feels me. "Therefore I hated life." says Ecclesiastes 2:17. I'm like, stop it oh my goodness, so do I. Wow no way. He goes on to say, "Yea, I hated all my labour which I had taken under the sun." And I'm all: That's what I'm sayin. Why did I even become learned (you have to pronounce that "Learn Ed" to sound King Jamesy), if I'm just going to end up with a big platter of grumpiness. Well poo. I could've just watched chick flicks and sipped pineapple coconut smoothies all day instead.

Then I'm wondering, Um, now how does he wrap this book up again? He replies to us in the very last two verses:

"Let us hear the conclusion of the whole matter," (yes, let's.) "Fear God, and keep his commandments: for this is the whole duty of man. For God shall bring every work into judgment, with every secret thing, whether it be good or whether it be evil."Ecclesiastes 12:13-14.

One of my favorite things about reading the Bible all the way through over and over again from cover to cover as a part of our lives, is that no matter what is bringing us down, tearing us apart, or grieving our hearts, somewhere in that Book, someone is saying: I understand. Keep fearing God. Keep His commandments. Keep doing what you are doing. God's the judge. Just do your Godly woman thing. Do your duty. God understands the struggles along the way. Your devotion won't be all for nought.

Grandmothers

5/6/2014

Right after each of my babies was born, one of my first thoughts was, "I want my mommy."

There is no one quite like grandmother. Grandmothers are the only people who truly care about your child's music performance, the picture they drew and their scraped toenail. Grandfathers too and we don’t mean any disrespect to the fellows, but today I want to commend and encourage grandmothers, as Sunday is Mother's Day.

The Bible tells us how God sees grandmothers and that is, children's children are their crown (Proverbs). They absolutely delight in their grandchildren. That passage explains how deeply they care about the toenails. The Bible also says God desires for us to "teach diligently" the ways of God to our sons and our son's sons, meaning grandchildren. (Deuteronomy).

So this is a calling presented to grandmothers in the word of God. We are not responsible for our grandchildren and we do not answer to God for their upbringing, the way we do for our own children. But He says in his Word that He desires for us to teach our grandchildren His ways. I'm taking this to mean I don't get to spoil those youngin's when I'm a mee-maw.

As we think about honoring grandmothers, we younger mothers need to think about honoring the Lord in our relationship with them. His Word says they are to delight in their grandchildren and they are to teach them God's ways. And so it is important for mothers to allow grandmothers to have this delight in their life by facilitating relationships with our children and their grandmothers, as far as they are interested.

We also need to realize that it is a tremendous blessing for them to help us instill God's ways in our children, but that it is not their responsibility and so we need to seek a good balance. We cannot blow the precious grandmother off, but we cannot overwork the sweet lady either.

Some wise ladies who are grandmothers themselves share with all of us their very helpful insight.

"Just love on them,” one grandmother says. “Remember you are not the parent. Try to support your children by carrying out their policies. Be a good helper. Recognize when they need their space and when they need your help. Follow the direction of the parents. Defer to them. Say to your grandchildren, 'We can do that if it's okay with Mom and Dad.'"

Another grandmother insightfully notes that many grandparents feel overworked and, "are not sure how to approach setting limits without fearing that would cause hard feelings," she says. "From my observation, the precedent is set from the enthusiasm over the first grandchild but gets old after the second or third. Aging makes the demands harder physically."

She also points out that we must trust God's hand in our children and grandchildren's lives. "Realize that what you observe may only be part of the picture if you're not around them every day. Pray for them and their parents."

A grandmother of 13 agrees: "It's very important not to lay heavy expectations on children or grands, opening one up to hurt feelings, misunderstandings, and distance between loved ones. Not taking every comment or an isolated situation personally seems helpful--extending lots of grace." She says it's important not to compare one grandchild with another, because "each is a unique personality, blessed with a specific set of gifts and abilities, and yes weakness just like their grandmother."

Another grandmother points out how quickly she learned that it’s your children, not your grandchildren, who you need to back up and be supportive of. “The grandchildren are off doing their own thing,” she says. “They are not necessarily going to be around or interested in a relationship with you as you get older. It’s your children who will be there for you.”

They all agree in the importance of praying for their grandchildren. One says as we trust God and His wisdom, "He smooths out the rough places."

And finally, a grandmother says, "Be patient and full of grace, laugh often, forgive quickly, implant God's Word in their hearts when they are young by memorizing Scripture with them, which shows them you place a high value on the Word of God and living out God's principles. After my own salvation and my joy in my marriage, as a grandmother there is no greater joy than to see our children and 'grands' walking in and seeking the Truth, and making wise choices in life."

Fancy on the Inside

4/15/2014

While my young toddler played at my feet in a doctor’s office, I flipped through a couple of those famous home and garden magazines. Normally I am relieved to see this sort of magazine in a waiting room, rather than the scandalous Hollywood ones.

But this time I realized something. Page after page was all about satisfying the flesh. Making everything nice for guests. Impressing people. Making everything look good: our homes, yards, selves and meals.

Pleasing our families with good meals is fabulous. Warm hospitality is Biblical. My house smells cozy and delish right now because I’ve got some BBQ ribs crockin’ away in the crock pot for my family's dinner tonight. But we ladies can let flashy articles and pictures get us so wrapped up in pleasing the flesh that we go way overboard and before we know it, that’s all there is. Pinterest, hellew? We can neglect the spiritual entirely. And I’m not talking about yah-yah spiritual meditation or man’s wisdom. I’m talking about the only real spirituality that will satisfy and that is our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

I got a pang of sadness that day, grief truly, when I looked at page after page of elaborate decorating and impressive home refurbishing. The question that sank deep into my heart was, “Why did they go with lime green for that curtain fabric rather than soft gray?” That and, “What were those children doing, while the ladies were busy with all of that?”

Families need their mommies. “While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal,” says 2 Corinthians 4:18. Let’s get a little radical shall we, and maybe suggest that the home and garden magazines are not that different from the smarmy Hollywood ones after all, in one important way: both kinds are all about the outward man rather than the inner man. Or in our case, the inner chick. The home ones just do it in a more tasteful, wholesome, socially acceptable way. Neither kind though is pointing us toward the eternal things of God. Kind of distracting us from Him actually.

“Well,” someone might say, “we have to leave religion out of it. It’s not practical. It’s just lampshades and tomato plants and we can’t expect mainstream publications to muddle everything up by dragging religion into it.” And I would say: too late. It’s already in there. There is no such thing as religious neutrality. The belief system presented to us in the home and garden magazines, whether they realize it or not, would go something like this: if you pursue our projects then your life will be fulfilling and joyful. Second to that is the implication that if you want to add church to your life on Sunday, then that is fine too. It keeps Christianity compartmentalized for us, just as neat and tidy as a shiny new granite kitchen island. But Christ said you’re either for me or against me and St. Paul said he couldn’t help but talk about the things of God, because he was sincerely living it. So we can’t go half-sies with our faith. It’s all or nothing. It’s flesh or Spirit.

I understand that these magazine folks have to deal with the authority of parent companies and oversight by media conglomerates. That’s the stuffy way of saying, “money” and “peer pressure.” And so the magazines understandably shy away from taking a stand on Christianity. This means they are reduced to a lifetime of setting elaborately gorgeous scenery and gasping happily over beautiful costumes. But there’s never a performance for fear of saying the wrong thing.

Galatians 6:8 tells us that, “For he that soweth to his flesh shall of the flesh reap corruption; but he that soweth to the Spirit shall of the Spirit reap life everlasting.” Solomon's temple was spectacular and God was all over that. We're talking gold floors and magnificent pillars. But planning it and building it had an end. And it had a purpose. A warning, even. God actually said to Solomon, "Concerning this house you are building..." 1 Kings 6:12 and then goes on to say to him that if you will walk in God's ways then God will "dwell among the children of Israel," and He said He wouldn't forsake them. God says it again after Solomon had finished building his own house and the temple: "I have hallowed this house," but you have to "walk before me, as David thy father walked." 1 Kings 9:3.

God tells Solomon that if he turns from following Him, it's going to bring evil upon the nation of Israel and what ended up happening was exactly that. "And the Lord was angry with Solomon, because his heart was turned from the Lord God." 1 Kings 11:9. Eventually that temple was completely destroyed by the Babylonians a few hundred years later. But of course we know it wasn't really the Babylonians: it was God. He said that for David's sake He would wait to destroy the temple but for now, He sent Solomon an adversary, this extremely pesky and mischievous guy named Jeroboam.

Isn't that what we all get out of flipping through a home and garden magazine? Maybe not. The magazines are fine. Pinterest is fun. There is nothing wrong with a home project here or there. I love making my house pretty. My daughters and I chatter and talk while we clean together on Saturdays. Cooking says love.

But the Bible says to know well the condition of our flock. The Bible says we are to be about the things of God, for us and for our children. Our purpose is to glorify God, not ourselves and our stuff. If we buy into a lifestyle where cabinets are constantly being re-stained, if we allow ourselves to be persuaded that improving rooms is a way of life that never stops, if we are busy preparing for guests and fretting over the “outside of the cup” to the point where that’s all there is: then, the outer man sure is pretty. But there’s no lasting satisfaction in any of that for the mother and, meanwhile, the family has been left to its own devices.

Note: This blog, Fancy on the Inside, was published in the summer 2014 edition of Better Times Magazine, the publication for A Better Way Ministries, which helps men struggling with addiction by leading them to Christ.

Invasion of the Gizmos

1/25/2014

Don't let technology intimidate you. It's just relationships, that's all. And we mothers have wisdom about that. We might not know how to download or update an app ("application" or game), but we don't have to. We know about relationships. We're in the world but not of the world, girls. Turn the thing on and stare at it, you'll figure it out. It doesn't take a whole lot of time. Our children need us to stay involved in their relationships and help them make wise decisions. If there's any rebellion, take the thing away for a day. The child will be dumbfounded.

The little people and their gadgets aren't magically in charge of anything, just because they know fancy lingo. I'm not impressed. Enforce some boundaries. Here's an overview.

The iPad or Nook. My brother Benjamin has three children and he calls this the "iSad." It makes everyone cry. I mean the children are happy while they're playing around on it, but God forbid if it's time to take the thing away. If you tell them a place to lay it down on the counter, rather than making them hand it over to you, they seem to be able to part with it a little easier. The paper doll app and writing ABC's apps are fun for our young children. It's fun to keep family pictures and home movies on there too. We've disabled Safari explorer on one of them so that the children can't do any internet stuff. On the other one, my husband uses it so he has a security pass code to get to the internet. I use an iPad to do my high schooler's history lessons with him, because the teacher's manual is loaded on there under iBooks. Beyond that I don't care if I ever see another iSad the rest of my life.

The Wii. The Wii is pretty fun because it's a console that's hooked up to your TV screen so it's a group thing if you have several game controllers. It's for everyone rather than just one person staring at a screen. My 5 year old snuggles up with her daddy on the couch and loves playing Wii with him. I think the Mario Kart games are pretty cute. I am not thrilled with some of that flirtation stuff going on between Peach and that creepy Bowser guy. Some of the Mario games can get a little violent with fire and explosions that can distress younger children. Most of it is pretty friendly though. The racing is fun and mommy got a little competitive for a while there when we first got it, and I had a great time racing with the children. The Wii sports games are nice too and we enjoy Lego Rock Band, which is more wholesome than the other music ones. I'm not doing skanky drugged out people with blue hair.

Xbox or Playstation. Not a fan. These are fun especially for boys, but our son got hooked on his playstation when we let him have an internet-linked game. Our son shares about that in my blog called "Video Game Addiction." Ironically his game was called Zombies. It turns your child into a zombie. Some of the content on these games is very disturbing. But these consoles are probably fine if you get a less gory version and there's no internet feature so it's just your child playing a video game. And you have some time limits. We got rid of ours though and it's not coming back.

Skype. The last time my husband was deployed to Afghanistan, Skype saved my sanity. I was able to talk to him face to face on the computer screen using the internet. I was the bright spot in his dreary desert life. We enjoyed that so much and it helped with the distance the way I hear so many grandparents say they get to connect with their grandchildren.

Nintendo DS. We have a couple of these, mostly Mario Kart and some Cooking Mama or Gardening Mama games. They're the handheld games that don't have any sort of internet component to them. Which is nice. We limit the time the children can play on them, based on age. Our younger ones like playing DS. The companies love to update these devices so that you feel compelled to buy the latest one. We try not to play along with that.

Facebook. I am one of the two people remaining on planet Earth who don't have Facebook. The other person is basketball player Michael Jordan. My man Michael puts it this way: "I'm old school." That's what I'm talking about Michael. It's not that I'm hostile or opposed to Facebook. I just think of it the way I do coffee. I stay away from it because I know I'll like it too much. I know I'd blow a lot of time on Facebook. Plus I like to be difficult and not do what everyone else is doing. Until I'm forced to have it when my children are grown, I'm holding out. But hey, I'm loving my 18 Facebook likes. Keep 'em coming girls, keep 'em coming.

The iPhone or blackberry. We finally let our high schooler have a phone a while back. I regularly read his texts. He knows I read the texts. He understands that I care about him. I try to make sure #1 he and his friends aren't disgracing God and #2 he's not getting to a flirty point with any girls. A text that made me laugh out loud was when a girl said, "Isn't your mom, like, super overprotective or something?" Funny, because I read that text. Call me whatever you wish but I'm keeping up with my children's relationships. I'm not letting some flashy technology intimidate me.

And it's not just nosiness, I'm keeping him from utter destruction. Just this morning I read a text where he told a friend he had been doing something he knew better than to do while driving. I e-mailed his Dad who will decide what to do from there. My husband is counting on me to keep tabs on our children, and every 45 days there might be something important like this that he would want to know about. We also take our son's phone when we go to bed and charge it in our bedroom overnight. So he'll quit playing with the thing and go to sleep.

The iTouch. Our pre-teen daughter has one of these which is nice because it's like an iPhone without the phone part. It does e-mail, texting, apps, calculator, whatever else but you can't make phone calls with it. She enjoys it and we've disabled Safari explorer on it to protect her from atrocity. She has a frog game she especially likes where she collects and names frogs, it's fun. She also uses the iTouch's camera and digital abilities to make some elaborate little movies with figurines and stuffed animals.

Instagram. My belief is that this whole thing got started because the moms took over Facebook. It's no longer cool in the eyes of the cutting edge younger crowd. I'm okay with Instagram, my son has it on his phone, but I do monitor it. I've asked him to block a few people. I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but if someone is dishonoring the Lord in their speech or manner, buh-bye. We talk about it first and I do value his opinion before we zap anybody.

I approve the pictures he posts. They're fine, usually just his shoes and a skateboard or something. If and when my daughters do it I want to see their pictures before they post because some of these girls with their flirty looking poses should be making their parents really concerned. Shudder. I like Instagram and it makes me think my phone is really boring when I see my son's account.

Vine. This is like instagram only it's little self made movies that last a few seconds. We don't have it on my son's phone anymore. Sometimes it was good clean fun, sometimes it was disturbing pranks. Unlike violence in a movie, the mean vines are truly tragic because it's real people actually doing real stuff.

In The Screwtape Letters, C.S. Lewis said that one of Satan's ploys is that if he can just get people to think something is funny, they'll go along with anything. Jennifer's not laughing. We got rid of Vine for now because it was bringing me down trying to manage it, and I am seriously maxed out on keeping up with all the electronic junk at this point anyway. My husband and son are in deliberations about getting it back, so if my husband says yes then I'll be staring at some Vine again and trying to stay on top of what's good and evil. My son tries to have good discernment too, so between the two of us we'll deal with the Vine again I reckon. I'll be jumping through the twisted Vine craziness like an Atari Frogger darting through the traffic.

Twitter. People saying stuff. A world full of soundbites. I can't resist talking so I started a Triumphant Chicks twitter just the other day. It's way fun. I've removed a few accounts from my son's that were suggesting that drugs and alcohol are a fun option for teenagers, and one that told not so clean jokes. Never any individual friends so far though. Our teenager is pretty good about looking for twitters that honor God. He has Fox News and Athletes for God on his twitter. My absolute favorite? I love his Hood Jesus so much. It's hilarious. When I first read it I thought: Dawg this be like my Bible commentary on my bloggie blog only shorter, yo?

Facetime. This is a face to face phone call sort of like Skype lite. It's on your handheld device. We don't allow our children to do it with friends of the opposite sex. I think it is a very intimate thing to do with someone. Um, cause I've facetime'd with my husband. It was kind of fun. Dude we're married.

Snap Chat. I dunno. This one really grates on my nerves. People send each other a picture of themselves they've just taken with their phone, but it fades away after a few seconds. You can't ever retrieve it or get it back. That creeps me out. For kids to do I mean. Our high schooler has it for now but that's just weird. It is actually brilliant because a big problem for rebellious people is having their parents monitor what they are doing. Snap Chat doesn't leave a paper trail. The evidence of any raunchiness disintegrates after a few seconds. Retro robot voice: "This Biblically unacceptable picture will self destruct in five seconds." I am not accusing my own son of wrongdoing, just saying Snap Chat sure does provide the ability to get weird with someone. Without parents knowing. We've got it for now but I'm way frowning at it.

Hey, That Was My Tower

12/3/2013

Suppose you have been meticulously working on decorating a cake for a half hour, and you are almost finished. The icing looks so beautiful and perfect, just the way you envisioned. It took a lot of work, patience and concentration but she's a beauty. You stand back to admire it for a moment.

Someone who is four years younger than you are walks up next to you and smashes the cake all to bits with a plastic hammer. Is that okay, because they are four years younger? Are you expected to smile warmly and say, well aren't you adorable and cute.

No ma'am. I think I might very well feel compelled to take that hammer and do a lil hammering myself. Upside somebody's head. I would be highly frustrated almost to the point of tears. Same thing with our children if they have just carefully balanced a tower of wooden blocks. Same thing with our children if they have just spent a long time setting up trains and tracks exactly the way they wanted them. Same thing ladies.

Younger siblings: the mommies are onto you big time. Please click below to read more.

Could I Please Just Chop These Carrots

11/23/2013

When we try to stand at the kitchen sink or the kitchen counter to cook, and anyone in our family's population under the age of 3 is nearby, it can be highly frustrating.

They cry and hang on your legs.

As every woman has observed, cooking is a two handed operation. No matter how tenderhearted you are about letting your baby or toddler koala bear onto you all day long like a suction cup or a piece of velcro, you cannot hold them while you cook. You really cannot have them stuck to you in a baby sling or carrier either, because you can't see over them to see whether you are about to chop a carrot or a finger.

I shove my high chair up to the counter and let them stand in it facing the counter. It's like a tall stool that almost has sides.

Once the child is old enough to stand without crashing most of the time, they can stand in the high chair and help. This is probably violating 16 safety codes recommended by the pediatric association. But the pediatric association people are in climate controlled offices with no tiny people hanging on their legs crying while they try to give their power point presentations. This is real life. I haven't had anyone fall or paralyze themselves yet and it keeps the toddler occupied while you cook. I give them a tiny portion of whatever I'm working on to make them feel big. When they get old enough, I have an un-sharp knife that they can pretend to use to chop stuff up.

You're their whole world. They're not trying to ruin your day or sabotage your cooking. They just want to be right there with you because you're where the fun is, you're where the action is, and you're where the love is.

Morning Sickness

11/8/2013

"Just nibble on some crackers." Well-meaning people who say that have never had morning sickness. The Lord allowed some serious morning sickness all five of my pregnancies and my heart goes out to anyone who has to go through it.

It seems like it will never end. I remember lying there, looking out the window, very weak and sick, watching the clouds go by in the sky and waiting for it to get dark so that another day would finally be over. Kinda rough. Here is my list of suggestions if you or someone you love is wasting away through a difficult bout of morning sickness, and Zophran is at the top of the list.

Please click below to read more.

Children